Hex F-1: Ser Chalres, a knight who served in the court of the Duke’s father. He’s only 4 years older than the duke himself. His serious minded devotion to duty endeared him to the old duke, who regarded him as a better son than the one he had been cursed with. For his part, Ser Chalres was devoted to the old duke, and has struggled to remain loyal to his mentor’s son. The current duke resents Ser Charles, and has sent him on endless mundane “Quests,” which has caused the knight to gradually fall into a deep malaise.

After completing his most recent task (to enumerate the ducks on all the ponds in the duchy), he just…didn’t return to the duke’s court. He carries a ledger on which his final count is completed, and he cares for it dutifully, but rides aimlessly. Afraid to return to the Duke, or to return to his home. Occasionally, when the Duke’s men run into him, they bully him with all the class of a guy wearing a letterman jacket in an ‘80s movie. He insists to them that he’s still working on the count.

Ser Charles is contemplating suicide, but does not want to go to hell. Nor does he want to betray his lord by seeking peace with the papacy.

Hex F-2: Some ruins sit between hills, nestled in a little valley and nearly overgrown with grass. Almost nothing here is left but the foundations. The only thing that is intact is a marble tiled floor, patterned with many colors.

Far beneath this floor is a creature. It would appear bestial to us, but it is an older and wiser creature than all of mankind. A creature in whose mind lives entire worlds of lesser consciousness, all serving the greater whole.

This creature does not hate or love us anymore than we love or hate a bumblebee or a parrot. Once, it amused itself by making itself our god, but we bored it.

One thing it does enjoy is a dance it taught us in times too old to be called ancient. A thing of cosmic humor beyond our understanding. To us it’s just an incredibly complex ritual. If performed properly on this dance floor, the creature will grant a wish. If performed improperly, it will brush us aside in annoyance. Those subject to this must make a save versus Magic. On failure, they are sent flying miles into the sky. When they land, half of their body will have been crushed flat. If they succeed, they fly just high enough and are crushed enough to reduce you to 1 hit point.

Hex F-3: On the hill is a fine manse of noble quality. This was the duke’s country home, but is now surrounded by tangled bushes of razorwire. The duke’s men, with spotlights shining from open mouths,m wander the grounds at night.

Here is where the duchess Maria Josehpine—the Duke’s wife—is held. She & Rodrigo were married X years ago, at the insistence of the previous duke. They never got along well, but as a devout catholic, she submitted to her husband…at least until devotion to her husband would have required her to deny her god. She would not, and so she is here. Kept in a gilded cage, away from her priest, her sacraments. Forced to attend a satanic mass each day.

She is never given the opportunity to be a martyr; she is merely forced into a life that makes her wish for death. Fed the poorest food, housed in the poorest accommodations, treated with nothing but cruelty. Yet always beside these tribulations is the offer of an easier, damning path. Sumptuously prepared human meat is offered alongside her barley gruel. The cold stone cell she sleeps in is within sight of the warm feather bed that could be hers if only she fornicate with the men and women who wait for her there. Always a child is present for her beatings, and all she need do is give the order to have her punishment taken out on the child instead.

Maria holds firm her faith, but no human’s strength is infinite.

Hex F-4: The party comes across a group of 23 men equipped with shovels. They’re standing around a hole & one has a map clutched tightly in his hand. In the hole they’ve uncovered an old Roman treasure cache, including:

• A statue of Terminus
• A statue of Antoninus
• A statue of Hadrian
• A chest with 5,000 danerii, worth 3,462 modern silver pieces.
• 10 Gladius
• 10 Sets of legionary armor.
• A crate of bronzeworks. Nice cups, jewelry, etc.

Their eyes got a little bigger than their heads, and now that they’re standing around their treasure haul they realize they really don’t know what to do next. How to move it? How to defend it? How do they turn it into cash they can use? They’ve got no wagon, no weapons, nobody to sell it to. They’re amenable to sharing the loot with someone who can help them defend, transport, and fence their discovery. They’re good folk, and will prefer to split 30/70, but can be negotiated down to a 50/50 split.

However, they’re not going to let anyone cheat them. They’ve got daggers and shovels, and they probably have numbers over the party. They will fight to protect this treasure if any foreign vagabonds try to take their hard won loot. (They don’t want to kill people, though).

Hex F-5: A trading port town, currently under naval blockade by a small fleet of Papist ships. There are four boats on the docks which arrived some time ago to drop off their goods, and pick up new ones. Unfortunately they’re unable to leave due to the blockade, and unable to return to shore because by the laws of the devils their business is done.

The folks on the ships are close to death. They’re clinging to their religion, but angry that the papist fleet would leave them to die like this. Each evening the devils lay out large banquets on the docks to tempt the sailors into defecting. It would take only a nudge to make that happen.

Hex F-6: A young man is struggling in the water, and will clearly drown if he is not helped quickly. This is William the bastard, future duke of another Duchy on the coast. He says he passed out on a couch after a night of drinking with his men, and woke (still on the couch) in the middle of the sea, out of sight of the shore. He was planning to wait until sunrise, then try to spot shore and paddle that way with his arms. But his couch was capsized in the current, and he lost sight of it. He’s been trying to tread water and swim towards shore, but it is far, and he grows tired.

On being rescued, he will swear an oath unto god never to set foot in the water again, and will hold to that oath unless the PCs convince him otherwise. He is susceptible to sleights directed towards his honor.

Hex F-7: A man in a small boat, weighed down with a heavier load than it should be carrying. he’s anchored in a precise spot marked by a buoy. He throws buckets of dirt into the water. When his boat is empty, he will return to the land and load it up with more dirt. Each cartload must come from a different acre of the duchy.

The unfortunate man accepted a contract working a farm from a devil. He’s not as skilled at manipulating contracts as the duke, and now he’s got to make the farmland himself by dumping dirt directly into the water. He’s deeply depressed, but there’s not much he can do. It seems the devils are taking particular pleasure in what horrid contracts they can assert, as a sort of displaced vengeance against the Duke.

Closing Note: Thanks for reading this series of weird hex posts. I’m glad to finally have them out in the wild.

These were the first draft for a project that grew wildly out of control until it was a complete friggin’ book. The writing for the book is done, and we’re just waiting on art, editing, and layout before we figure out how to best get the thing into your hands. Look forward to it!

Hex E-1: This is the highest peak in the area, pretty cold. The players find a cave. The first chamber, shallow, holds a hibernating bear. Beyond the bear, however, is a steep passage covered in ice. It will require a climbing check to descend safely. About 70% of the way down the cavern opens up into a larger chamber. There is no safe place to stand in this chamber, and it is both dark and covered in ice, but if the players take the time to look around they will discover the most beautiful cave paintings on the wall. About 2/3rds of which describe the sort of hunter/gatherer life that we now associate with prehistoric man. The remainder of which show records of war, brutality, and fear of an unknown and unstoppable calamity from above.

As the shaft reaches its bottom, it suddenly opens out, with a final 30’ drop to the frozen ground below. There is no way to climb down this without a secured rope of some kind.

Within this chamber are the Ur-Men. 173 men, women, and children frozen solid. Huddled together for long lost warmth. They are huge, burly, hairy things. They are the men who came before men. Better, in many ways. No less clever than us, they are only less studied than we are. And a great deal more powerful. Even a child of 7 or 10 might have as much as 2 or 4 hit dice. The adults range from 7 to 12 each.

The frost here is deep, and will not melt without interference. If they are thawed, they will be revived fully within only a few days. Their recuperative abilities are well beyond those of humans. It is unlikely that any means of complex communication can be found, but the referee should know: they are the Peoples of the Red Hills. They retreated here to escape what they believe was “The God of Cold, consuming the heavens as he descended with ice and fire.” They are not unnecessarily violent, but they are territorial, and believe in the fundamental truth that might makes right. They will never subject themselves to the tiny, weak modern humans. No matter how impressive their science and magic have made them.

The Ur-Men are also prolific breeders. Their women bear young in litters of 4-8, and all take the work of creating and raising children as a grave duty that must be pursued with vigor. In as little as a generation, these unfrozen peoples could become a small nation, ready to sack the modern world and draw it back into an era of darkness.

Hex E-2: Vedast the mountain man. Roll 1d6: on a 1 the players stumble onto Vedast’s humble home, otherwise they meet him out about the mountain. Perhaps he is cooking a meal, fishing, hunting, wrestling with a bear, chopping down a tree, gathering clay to make some pots, weaving a basket, or whatever else a man of the mountain might do. Vedast is capable, and he does it all.

He’s a large man, nearly 7’, with shoulders broad enough to dwarf two smaller men. He wears the skins and furs of animals he hunted himself, and carries equipment for whatever task he’s currently pursuing—most of which he also made himself. Vedast has lived in the mountains most of his life, and until recently he only came down to make his biannual trips to the nearest church to receive the holy sacraments. Since the devils came, and the practice of the Christian faith was banned, he has remained on his mountain, spending a great deal of time in prayer for his soul, and the souls of his countreymen who have fallen beneath the wretched influence of the Duke.

Vedast is devout in his faith, with the complete sincerity of a saint. He stays away from the devil’s affairs, and suggests that you do as well. Nothing good can come from being among them.

Vedast is an expert in anything within this hex, and both of the contiguous mountain hexes (E1 & D3). He’s been everywhere, and seen everything, even if he won’t tell you all that he knows. He prefers to keep his distance from anything unnatural. He also has a 4-in-6 chance of being aware of anything in the hexes adjacent to his mountains.

Vedast and Jay the Blue are aware of one another, and Jay is quite fond of the gruff, simple, and kindhearted Vedast. Vedast, in turn, holds some affection for Jay in his heart of hearts, but also regards him as a simonist and a sinner. In times past, the two would occasionally share a quiet smoke, or a meal around the campfire. Jay respectfully chooses not to exercise magic of any kind within sight of the mountains, though he does have brief exchanges with birds. (A practice Vedast is not uncomfortable with, as he himself often speaks with the animals. Though for him, they do not speak back).

Unfortunately, since the devils came, Vedast has become hyper-vigilant about the purity of his soul, and has cut all contact with Jay. Something which makes both of them very sad.

Vedast has a trio of dogs named Alexander, Maximus, and Barrigan. He has names for every significant creature on the mountains, and a cordial relationship with each.

Hex E-3: An odd mound of tangled plants, with a glint of dull metal visible through it. If the overgrowth is cleared away, there is a front loading cannon beneath. 9’ long, with a 6” barrel. One of the wooden wheels broken, while the whole rest of the wooden structure has become rotted and brittle. It’ll fly apart dangerously if the weapon is fired in this condition. There are no gunpowder or balls nearby.

If loaded properly, the cannon will deal 3d6 SHP of damage on a successful hit. Attack rolls take a -10 penalty if attempting to target individual people. When attacking structures, each miss grants a cumulative +2 to hit to subsequent shots against the same target, as you’re able to narrow in your shot.

Hex E-4: A desk by the side of an idyllic little pond, where an obese man with a pimply face and unkempt hair juggles scraps of balled up paper next to a writing desk. If he notices someone approach he will drop the balls in embarrassment and busy himself with quill and ink. If the intruders speak to him, he will bluster about how rude they are for interrupting his very busy creative process. He insists he is a writer, but if asked to share his work, he will make excuses. He’s never been able to finish anything, he claims, because of his constant interruptions and the excessive demands on his time. The stacks of paper around him are filled with incomplete To Do lists.

Hex E-5: There is a field of deep, overgrown grass. When a path of movement cuts through the grass, the unusually long and complex roots pulse, and the movement is indicated on a map within the small hut at the center of the field.

The hut has two doors, one to the right, and one to the left. The door on the left is locked. The door on the right leads into the false hut, which appears just as it should. A small wooden space with windows, the map of the surrounding area on a table at the center, a few supplies, and a guard with a key to the left door.

When the left door is opened, it reveals the true interior. A hellchamber of red stone, much larger on the inside than the hut is on the outside. The multi-tiered chamber contains three regiments of devils, all drilling together in preparation for war. Near the back is a large summoning circle where diabolists summon ever more devils to join these ranks.

This place is not hell, nor is it earth. It is a place between the two, placed as closely to earth as can possibly be managed. It is a struggle, moving from one world to another. It takes time and energy. Here, the hard work of summoning an army of devils can be done in advance of any need to deploy them on earth. And when they are needed, all it will require is walking out the door. This is the staging area, the buffer of the diabolic invasion that will come at the earliest opportunity.

Hex E-6: A dank little swamp. Roughly 200’-300’ across at its widest points. Bit of a clearing, bushy plants growing next to murky pools of standing water. A haven for small buzzing things, and the slightly larger slimy things that eat them.

On hot days, when the swamp gas is thick in the air, a feathered beast appears. You and I would recognize it as a dinosaur. Specifically, a Hadrosaur. The creatures corpse rests deep beneath the swamp, and the heat in this region only recently rose high enough for its decomposing vapors to rise to the surface.

The creature is not intelligent as we think of it, but it is aware enough to be angry. Angry that it is alone, and that it is trapped in this swamp. Angry that it has not been able to mate.

If it can mate with a female of your group by merging with her, then 4 months later she will birth an egg, which will hatch into a child of the creature. She may then opt either to pass the spirit on to another, or immediately become pregnant again.

Hex E-7: A large barrel—a Hogshead size—floating in the water. Once fished out, players will notice a mark branded into the top of the barrel. Any well traveled player will at least be able to recognize that it’s a mark of Venetian origins, while players with greater familiarity with the seat trade may be able to track it to a particular merchant house. Regardless of where it came from, it’s here now, without anyone to claim it.

The barrel is full of black pepper. 470 pounds of it, to be exact. At a common rate of roughly 18 silver per pound, this is quite the find! A valuable sell at nearly any port the party may call in at.

A young man named Stiles received 15 lashes for knocking the barrel overboard in the night, and was dismissed from his post without pay at the nearest port. His anger over this injustice has been left to fester, and he’s become obsessed with finding the barrel. He figured it will show up in some port eventually, and so he picked one at random and spends his days watching the docks. Because Stiles is kinda stupid. But lady luck sometimes takes pity on the stupid and the determined, and so there is a fully 1 in 6 chance that Stiles just happens to be waiting in whatever port the players try to unload the pepper into.

Hex D-1: The party stumbles on a suspicious older gentlemen named Firmin, who is perhaps in his late 50s. He acts nervously, and will try to excuse himself from any social encounters quickly. He is covered in dirt, and carries a shovel. Players who examine him will notice blood mixed with the dirt.

The man lives in a nearby village, and is a serial murderer. Each new moon (when God’s eye is closed), he kills someone. Usually a child. If Firmin is caught, and believes any chance of escape is lost to him, he will reveal that he is proud of what he has done. He will offer to show the players the graves of 53 people. If the players examine the bodies there, they may find that each has a gold coin, worth 50 silver pieces, in their mouth.

Firmin assures you that there are more bodies, and he will tell you how to find 53 more of them, if you leave him unmolested for 2 years. The others (and there truly are many) are clustered in groups of 53 (which is the true number of the beast, Firmin will explain. 666 was a ruse to throw people off the scent.) (This is not true. He’s nuts.)

How he gets all of this gold is unclear, but he never seems to have any unless he’s burying somebody. In truth, he is wearing pants of human skin purchased from Hette the flesh cobbler. A gold coin appears in the scrotum each time he kills an innocent. Maximum of one coin per moon cycle.

Hex D -2: Jay the Blue wanders here. He’s an older man with blue robes, a black & white hat of soft down, large pauldrons of meticulously groomed feathers, and a hanging chestpiece of small black bird beaks, arranged like scale mail.

Jay is a very sane man, often taken for a complete nutter. He is a friend to brids, is always accompanied by some, and calls every bird he encounters by name. He often has extended, complex conversations with them.

In point of fact; any bird which comes within 100’ of him develops distinct, intelligent personalities. They speak a bird language that only Jay speaks. He is open about this reality, but there is no way for anyone to verify that.

Jay’s Pauldrons are magic items that grow out into wings, on which he can fly at will. His beak mail is magic armor which attracts all projectiles. He takes 1d3 damage from them regardless of their potency (assuming they hit him).

High in the air is a massive sparrow, on whose back is an expansive palatial estate on which Jay lives. He flies up and down using his magic pauldrons, but if they are taken from him he can just call his sparrow friend down.

Jay the Blue’s spells are all bird themed, and his spellbook is kept in a nest, protected by an eagle who flies it to him any time he calls for it.

Hex D-3: A tribe of mountain women who wear treated bark armor on their arms and legs resides here. Their large, muscular breasts are never covered. Most also carry a bow, a quiver of arrows, and a flint blade whose length rests somewhere between a long dagger and a short sword. By flexing their mighty tits, they can spray streams of acidic milk with pinpoint accuracy, dealing 2d4 damage. Their acid attack receives a +4 to hit.

The tribe is not very territorial, as they have only the vaguest sense of land being “owned.” They welcome outsiders, but expect outsiders to work. Few outsiders can keep up with their rigorous labors. Men may be invited to participate in “The Work of the Night,” which they refer to as “Searching for a Baby.” These women are always open to pregnancy, which is a shorter and much less painful process for them than for most women. However, even here, only the rarest outsiders will be able to keep up with their vigorous pace. They often expect to spend the whole of the night completing the act a dozen times or more. And no outsiders can really match the physical standards set by these women’s usual partners, the speardick men.

Contrary to what one might think, there is nothing peculiar about the genetics of these women. Their powerful physical characteristics and easy childbearing are the result of their lifestyles and their unique regional diet. Any women living with them for more than a few months would begin to develop these traits.

Hex D-4: A stone bridge of demonic origins, crossing the river. At both ends a person must pass through the gaping mouth of a demon in order to set foot on the bridge, and along both sides are stone railings made to look like licking flames. For every character who crosses the bridge, there is a 1 in 6 chance (repeated each time they cross) that the center of the bridge will open up and drop them into a shallow hellpit, filled with the red-boned arms of diabolic skeletons. The character must make a successful climb check to escape this hole, as the arms will fight against any attempt he makes to escape. Each round they tear away a chunk of the characters soul. Roll 1d6 to determine an ability score, and the character loses 1 point from that score. This continues until the character escapes. If the opening the character fell into is ever examined, the characters will note that it resembles a crude depiction of a vagina.

One week after the character falls in, the hole will open again, giving birth to a creature that looks a little bit like the character who fell in, and a whole lot like a devil. This devil has double the devoured character’s hit dice, and for each ability point that was devoured, the devil has a power that is appropriate to the type of point. For example, if a point of Intelligence was devoured, the devil might have some spells or psionic talents. For a point of Constitition, the devil’s hit dice might be a better die type.

In order to become a whole creature, the devil must find and devour its parent. It will attempt to do this with all cleverness, preferring to stalk its parent and attack while they are alone if possible. If the devil is slain, and if the parent eats their diabolic child, then they will regain their lost ability points. Further, for each ability point regained, there is a 20% chance that the character gets 2 points back instead of just 1.

Note that if a character in the middle of the party’s marching order triggers this trap, and the rest of the party does not want to risk themselves, then the party may find themselves separated by a river. The water here is particularly deep and swift. Carrying any amount of supplies across would be impossible without some cleverness on the player’s part. Finding an easier crossing would require the players to travel quite a ways, and risk a second encounter check.

Hex D-5: A village operating under a confluence of laws which makes gay marriage mandatory. Anyone over 16 entering the village must promptly be either married to someone of the same sex, or put to death. The only exception is if there is no one of the same gender available for them to marry, in which case they are free to remain unwed until such a person becomes available. There is currently one unmarried man and one unmarried womn in the village, they are very much in love with one another.

Hex D-6: Atop a hill are the blackened stones of an abandoned structure. It looks like the fire happened some years ago now, and the scattered arrows you can still find here and there suggest the burning was an intentional act of aggression. However, the weaponry shows none of the improvements made since the coming of the devils. It likely predates their appearance.

The grounds of this old cloister are not lavish. It was a small place for men of god to get away from the world. A chapel, a garden, a dormitory, a dining hall, and a small study. Anything of value has already been carted off. The place is desolate, and the players must explore its empty, burned out chambers one by one if they wish to find the one thing of value here.

It is in the study that the fires were the most intense. There is a pyre here, on which books are piled. Those books are black and charred. Most fall to pieces if you pick them up. There is nothing left here to burn.

Save one.

Deep in the pile is a book that is completely untouched. The binding is a brightly colorful depiction of dancing peoples during festival time.

This is a book of dance. It depicts a floor with multicolored tiles in a taemple. It shows a great beast sleeping beneath. It describes a complex dance. If performed correctly, the beast will grant one wish (and only ever one wish) to the dancer. If performed incorrectly, it will consume them. Learning the dance from this book creates the dance skill. It costs no money to train the dance skill, only time. (same amount of time required by the skill training.)

Hex D-7: In these woods is a clearing where the ground is soft, and the scent is sickly sweet. Pungent with fermentation. A rainbow of appetizing-colored mushrooms sprout all throughout the clearing, and 4’ beneath the surface are 16 children.

16 children. Each 16 seasons old. Each with 16 punctures in their bellies. Each left hanging to drain for 16 days, then buried 16 palms beneath the earth.

1. Sky blue with cloudy white speckles. Makes you so thirsty you could drink a pond dry in a single turn.

2. Violet with a gradient swirl. Grows you 2’ taller.

3. Dull yellow with red speckles. You piss fire. The stream deals 2d6 @ 10’ up to 3 times a day. More if you encumber yourself with enough water to drink constantly. Fire pee burns and is deeply unpleasant.

4. White with a pale blue latticework running through it. Makes your teeth wiggle themselves out of your gums, forming tiny tooth-sized men. They will never return to your mouth, but they will follow you. Each is bound to perform 1 task for you. Once it is complete, they are free, and will be on their way with a polite thank you for giving birth to them.

5. White with gold speckles. Save versus Paralyzation or turn into a statue of fool’s gold.

6. Turns your skin a verdent shade of magenta. You convulse and vomit chunks of iron from your body until you die.

7. Your eyes become a swirling vortex. You have tiny black holes instead of eyes. You see nothing, but once per day can attempt to compress one foe into a singularity. They get a save versus Magic. On a fail, they die, and you gain health equal to their HD.

8. The next time the player uses any profanity, the referee determines the object of their profanity. (“Fuck this!” begs the question, what is “this?”). Once the subject is determined, a fireball goes off centered on that location. 6D6 damage. The player doesn’t get to know about this, and will be in trouble if they make it a habit of saying “fuck me.”

If the children beneath the mushrooms are discovered and given propar burials, they will grant a wish to each of their rescuers who did not eat any mushrooms.