Good morning! Health and happiness to everyone this fine Friday, and an extra Merry Christmas to those of you who celebrate it. It is time once again for me to fulfill my part of the Faustian pact I made with The Red Beast of the North. In exchange for the occasional magical nudge to my die rolls, I must annually humiliate myself by writing and performing a song about D&D, sung to the tune of some Christmas carol or other.

If you’re new to reading Papers & Pencils, be advised that this particular tradition is now in its seventh year. There’s a whole playlist of these for you to mock, each one with even worse singing than the next!

This year I wanted to give the Magic User some attention. I love Magic Users. I love how few spells they get, how fragile they are, and how little control they have over their mystic repertoire. I particularly love calling them “Magic Users,” which is so much more appropriate than the grandiose sounding “Wizard” or “Sorcerer” favored by later iterations of the rules. It is the first class I ever played in an OSR-style game, and one which helped me better understand what I want out of play.

If anyone needed more evidence of how slipshod this whole operation is, by the by, know that I didn’t realize how short Away in a Manger is before I had fully committed myself both to that melody and the song’s narrative thread. I really wanted to fit a denouement in there, but that would have required a modicum of planning, which is against the rules of my previously mentioned Faustian bargain.

Away in a Dungeon – Lyrics

Away in a dungeon, amid a pell mell,
a young magic user has only one spell.
Now lost to her comrades, she clings to torchlight,
while searching for help in the dark dungeon night.

For those who don’t know, every Christmas I make a fool of myself by writing and performing a D&D Christmas Carol. It all started back in 2012 with “Dark Lord Wenceslaus,” which I followed up in 2015 with “Damage Dice the Ref Rolled High.” That’s when I decided to make a tradition of it, so in 2016 there was “Searching for Silver and Gold,” (ironically, not to the tune of “Silver and Gold.”) and now, this year, there is “Silent Thief, Greedy Thief.”

Now, if you’ve listened to any of these, you know full well that I am not a singer. (Nor am I much of a songwriter, but that’s neither here nor there). This year, though, I developed a terribly persistent, phlegmy cough on November 30th, and as I type this on December 19th, I’m still coughing. That’s why there haven’t been many episodes of Blogs on Tape lately, and its’ also why I’m struggling to get through this song.

But this exercise has never been about producing high quality music. It’s just a fun little thing I do to get myself into the Christmas spirit, and exercise some creative muscles that I don’t  normally get to play with.

So enjoy the song, and from all of me to all of you: I wish you well. Whether Christmas is your jam or not, I hope you find some joy today.

Lyrics

Silent Thief, Greedy Thief.
All is yours, in your sight.
Cleric’s potions, Fighter’s coin,
Wizard’s wands your fav’rite toy.
Picking pockets is easy,
when your friends are sleeping.

Silent Thief, Greedy Thief.
Dungeon halls in torchlight.
Check for traps; one. Nothing’s here.
From the ceiling poison darts appear.
Make your saving throw.
Pray you don’t roll low.

Silent Thief, Greedy Thief.
You can climb any wall.
Stupid players think others can’t,
just because the rules say you can.
Handholds are for weaklings,
that is all this rule means.

Silent Thief, Greedy Thief.
Afterthought of a class.
Genre staple for many years,
not ’til Greyhawk did you appear.
Since then always in vogue.
These days they call you a rogue.

Silent Thief, Greedy Thief.
Skirting fights is your right.
Foes are there for fighters to face.
Help from you would be a disgrace.
Just get in one backstab,
to justify your loot bag.

Remember last year when I wrote & performed a D&D themed Christmas song called “Damage Dice the Ref Rolled High?” Remember when I said I wanted to make it a yearly tradition to write & perform a D&D Christmas song each year.

Well I did you one better. I wrote a D&D Christmas song, then I found someone with actual ability to do the singing part! This one is to the melody of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen,” and is performed by my sister, Olivia Whelan.

Searching for Silver and Gold

Lyrics:

---

Look here my goodly gentlefolk
This map won’t lead astray.
A path to fame and fortune,
It can be yours today.
The journey will be perilous,
But you will be okay.

[Refrain]
O searching for silver and gold.
Silver and gold.
O searching for silver and gold.

With dreams of future glo-ory
A band began to form.
Comrades with nothing else to lose
Swore to brave any storm.
A Thief, a Witch, a Farming Boy;
Left Homes both safe and warm.
[Refrain]

The Bloodwood lay ahead of them,
Each feigned to have no fear.
The warnings of their mo-others
Were ringing in their ears.
All knew within the forest dark
The serpent would appear.
[Refrain]

It came upon them quietly,
Just as the stories said.
A cry rose from the farming boy,
One bite took off his head.
The witch invoked a sleeping hex.
Now two left, frightened, fled.
[Refrain]

Before them lay the gra-ave yard
As far as they could see.
Inward swung the iron gate
Shedding rusted debris.
Passing between the marker stones
They made grim repartee.
[Refrain]

Sleeping among the grassy mounds,
A day’s march from the gate.
Here the ghoul stumbled over them
With hungers yet to sate.
The witch awoke and raised a cry
The thief’s blade was not late.
[Refrain]

Fin’ly the lake shore beckoned them,
The goal of all their strife.
The witch would breath upon the shore,
One lung to keep each life.
The thief dove into the cold dark,
Teeth clamped around her knife
[Refrain]

The Sun’s light far behind her now,
A sight near broke her will.
A faceless mass with glowing skin,
And wicked, waiting quills.
Beneath the thing she saw their chest.
Her task she would fulfill.
[Refrain]

With shroud of dark to cover her,
Through water the thief creeped.
But eyeless it still spotted her,
Foul barbs cut her breast deep.
With flailing hand she snatched the chest,
To surface quickly leaped.
[Refrain]

Sensing that the beast followed her,
The thief scrambled for shore.
Ran to her love with chest in hand,
Not knowing what’s in store.
The barb that had been meant for her,
The witch’s lung did gore.
[Refrain]

Far from the graves, she buried her.
Too good for that foul place.
The fortune bought cheap pleasures,
But could never erase
The loss of one whom she had loved.
The thief died in disgrace.
[Refrain]

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To all who celebrate it, I hope you’re enjoying your Christmas, and that this brightened your day. As a little bonus, here’s a supercut of all the times Olivia fucked up:

And for those of you looking for one more tragedy that can be attributed to the 2016 meme, here’s me singing the song. Because I wanted a record of it, and I enjoy blowing audio levels.