Coactus Illustration © Heather Gwinn. A gift she gave me in 2013 for an edition of Miscreated Creatures which I hope exists someday. Coloring by me.

I am abysmal at keeping you folk in the loop. Here’s some stuff you might want to know:

On January 10 2024 we lost Jennell Jaquays. The hobby owes her a debt for a lifetime of contributions to our artform. One way we can pay that debt is by ensuring her medical bills don’t leave a burden on her family in their time of grief. There’s a GoFundMe to attend to that. Another way is to continue attributing her work to her, and not to a man who is ghoulishly attempting to claim credit for himself.

The Sanctimonious Slimes Versus Expired Epicures kickstarter was a success! I am immensely grateful to my Kill Jester compatriots: Ava Islam and Ty Pitre, and to everyone who contributed. I spent most of December and early January making final revisions, refining the layout, and sneaking in a bit of extra content at my own expense. Our printer has accepted the files, and I’m currently awaiting the first physical proofs before we give the green light to a full production run.

Flux Space, my only blog post of 2023, has won the Bronze Bloggie award in the gameable category! I am honored to be recognized two years in a row, and also grateful I didn’t end up winning the event overall, since the winner is obligated to take over for Zedeck next year! In seriousness though: I have become convinced that the bloggies are more meaningful than the silly game I originally took them for. I’m also fully aware that “now that I’ve won an award I see how valuable awards are” is a cliché, but here we are. Blogs are an important part of our little art scene, yet the work can be demoralizing. It’s worthwhile for us to take time to recognize one another’s work, to gas one another up. The bloggies are one way of doing that, and for the past two years my self image has benefited from your accolades. It feels great, and there are a lot of other bloggers who deserve this kind of attention. There are still two more categories being voted on, so be sure to check out Zedeck’s twitter to participate.

Season 6 of Blogs on Tape is coming! I had intended for episodes to start dropping in late December, but right in the middle of doing my recordings I was struck down by an illness that robbed me of my speaking voice for nearly a month. By the time I was recovered enough to work again, time had moved forward. I couldn’t resume recording without breaking our printing deadline for SSvEE, or abusing the timetables of other colleagues I had agreed to do work for. Rest assured, the project is not dead.

Some of you may have noticed that for the first time in several years there was no D&D Christmas Carol here on December 25th. I’m sad about that, but in addition to the cramped scheduling I’ve been navigating, I’ve had a…psychologically taxing six months. I faced a sad choice: allow my holiday traditions to become burdensome obligations which bring me no joy, or let a few of them slip by this year. Hopefully the songs—and a number of other traditions that are part of my personal observance of the holiday—will resume next year.

I hope this post finds you all safe, warm, and healthy. I’ll try to get at least one or two good blog posts out to you by the end of the year (I do have ideas.) Until then, hang in there everybody.

Sanctimonious Slimes Versus Expired Epicures is the first adventure module written for Errant. It will also be my first properly printed book. The kind with an inventory that needs to go in a warehouse somewhere! We’re running a short campaign for this one, and there are only 6 days left until it’s over, so get over to Kickstarter and back it!

Not only can you get a copy of my book through this campaign, this will also be your only opportunity—ever—to purchase a print edition of Gus L.’s adventure Ganshoggr. The PDF edition is available for free, but we’re only producing 100 print copies of this one. As of this writing there are fewer than 30 copies remaining left to claim, so don’t miss out!

If you’d like to learn a bit more about SSvEE, you can check out the livestream session I ran for the good folks at Plus One EXP. Or you could read the much more thorough play report from when I playtested the adventure in my Dangerous Neighbors campaign. Additionally, I wrote a little about how the dungeon map developed over on my personal home page website.

And of course there’s this very important link I ought to end the post with: go get yourself a copy of this book! And Ganshoggr! Hurry!

A table inspired by a recent session in which my players consulted a spymaster. They wanted to learn if the evil wizard they were about to confront had any weaknesses to exploit, and it seemed the sort of thing there ought to be a d100 table for. I’ve endeavored to represent a wide variety of weaknesses here: social, intellectual, physical, magical. Some may work for a given character better than others.

1. Insecure in their own conclusions. Tend to rely too much on the approval of those around them, and are afraid of doing anything that might be terribly unpopular.
2. Gambler. Can’t resist an interesting bet, and may find themselves in frequent financial distress because of it.
3. Maintains a predictable routine. Meals always at the same time, meets with contacts regularly, etc.
4. Often talks to themselves without realizing it, giving voice to thoughts they might not otherwise wish to express.
5. All their plans contain some intentional signature or tell. Perhaps all the spies who work for them use rhyming code names. Maybe they work the number 116 into all their plots.
6. In direct combat they rely overmuch on a predictable tactic. Something which works against foes who aren’t expecting it, but could easily be turned against them by a foe who is.
7. They ramble. Questions that give them something to pontificate over will distract them.
8. They’re a braggart. They’re prone to accidentally reveal secrets of which they are proud, and to gloat when they have the upper hand on their enemies.
9. Lazily sleeps the whole day away if they can get away with it. If not for others making them get up and do things, they’d never have accomplished anything with their lives.
10. They’re vain. They prize their own appearance, intellect, physical prowess, or artistic taste very highly. Whatever it is, they’re easily manipulated by flattering what they value about themselves.
11. Focuses entirely too much on tactics (the moves within a battle), and almost entirely neglects strategy (the moves outside a battle). A classic example of this would be the armchair general who spends all their time thinking about how to position their troops, but no time at all thinking about how to feed their troops.
12. They have a sickly family member (spouse, child, etc.) whose wellbeing they obsess over.
13. Burdened with a traumatic memory. Perhaps something experienced in childhood, or the severe chaos that results from oppression, war, famine, etc. They’ve developed some irrational behaviors to deal with this trauma, and anything which reminds them too starkly of what they’ve endured can prompt them to erratic action, or even stun them with flashbacks.
14. Unaddressed anger issues. Ridiculously small things will set them off, and they obsess over perceived insults. Easily aggravated into foolish action.
15. They’re loud like…all the time. It’s surprisingly easy to sneak up on them because their own talking, walking, hand drumming, and whistling drown out any sounds that might reveal a skulking foe.
16. The more people simultaneously observe them, the weaker they become. At least a couple dozen people are required to produce any noticeable effect. For obvious reasons, they avoid crowds.
17. Certain of their protections, powers, or abilities are tied to the specific plane of reality in which they exist most of the time. If they were shifted to a different plane, they’d be much weaker.
18. Their protections, powers, or abilities were granted to them because they performed a magic ritual. This ritual must be renewed on a regular schedule with exact timing. The window may be as long as a day, or as brief as a few seconds, but if it’s missed they lose everything the ritual gave them.
19. Some common thing is absolute poison to them. It’s a wonder they haven’t been killed by it before! Perhaps they’re weak to water, or human contact, or the common cold, or a light breeze.
20. Their protections, powers, or abilities are bound to the performance of a magic ritual. This ritual must be performed constantly, and so there is a secret location where their adherents do just that. Perhaps it is in the deepest sub level of their fortress, or in a secluded monastery half the world away.
21. Some protection, power, or ability which they purport to be intrinsic to themselves in some way is actually granted to them by some magical or technological item they wear.
22. A protection, power, or ability they have requires vast sums of money to be donated to a particular religious or magical organization each year. So much money that they must dedicate a lot–perhaps even most–of their effort to gathering it.
23. Singing harms them. Perhaps it is so unpleasant they are forced to flee from it, or perhaps it actually chips away at their hit points.
24. They suffer under a curse.
25. Weakened by the presence of of some particular mineral. Certainly a rare one, and perhaps even otherworldly or unique.
26. A prophecy specifies a particular weapon, or type of person that will kill them. They are terrified of this thing, and have gone to absurd lengths to keep all examples of it far away from themselves.
27. Prefers never to start fights, but rather to lure others into committing themselves, then counter-punching.
28. Relies on emulating the methods of a particular great master. Studying that master in depth would make it easy to predict their plans and actions.
29. Their powers, abilities, or protections suffer from some odd drawback. The boon and the drawback are not at all thematically connected. (Eg. If they can cast fireball at will, perhaps they go blind for 10 seconds after every use. Or if they’re immune to damage from cutting weapons, perhaps each sword blow deletes important information from their memory.)
30. Unwilling or unable to extend empathy to people. Human relationships are all calculus to them. They will always fail to account for loyalty both in how they assess their foes, and in how they treat their own people.
31. Easily bored. Important tasks are often left unfinished, or delegated to underlings who are less thorough, invested, and competent than they themselves would be.
32. They do not handle failure well. They’re used to easy success, and when they occasionally fail it sends them into crippling depression and indecision.
33. They’re a pedant, and an expert at lying to themselves. Every failure will be rationalized away as the fault of others. Hard evidence will be quietly ignored, and those who present it will be written off as ’emotional.’
34. Absolutely intransigent about the way things “should” be, and what they are “owed.” They’ll call it “integrity.” No matter how the situation changes they will never budge an inch.
35. Easily distracted by a good time. They’ll often be found drinking and partying when they ought to be working. Only an undeniable external pressure can get them to focus on their goals.
36. Irrationally beholden to a parent’s approval. Their parent may be alive and pushing them, or their parent may be dead and they’re obsessed with living up to an inflated memory.
37. Easily succumbs to sexual desire. Someone who fits their taste in partners will have an easy time getting close to them.
38. An old injury never healed properly. Somewhere on their body is a spot which, if struck, causes dramatic pain. They may even lose the use of some part of their body, and in extreme cases may be entirely debilitated for days at a time.
39. They are severely allergic to something. A food, a plant, an animal. Exposure might hinder them, or might kill them.
40. Hard of hearing. Perhaps deaf on one side.
41. Epileptic. A variety of things might trigger their seizures: flashing lights, loud noises, specific foods, stress, heat, lack of sleep, etc.
42. Their powers, abilities, or protections could be taken from them by a particular ritual. The ritual is very difficult to perform, or perhaps very difficult to learn.
43. They require a placid emotional state to be effective. They’ve worked hard to free themselves from any intense feeling, but they are not immune to it. If their passions are raised, they will lose much of their ability.
44. Their powers, abilities, or protections are dependent on belief. If the relevant people stop believing in them (either the masses, or simply a single relevant individual), then the abilities cease to function.
45. Certain sense data will activate a ‘glitch’ in their brain structure. Perhaps seeing a given color or shape, hearing a certain sound, or feeling a given texture is what does it.
46. If they are physically restrained, some of their power vanishes until they are freed.
47. They lack some skill which is almost universally common. Perhaps they cannot swim, or read, or drive a car.
48. They cannot actually control whatever it is that makes them a threat. If they are a great swordsperson, perhaps there is actual a skilled spirit which takes control of them at its whims. If they are a magician, perhaps their magic only comes to them in moments of extreme stress.
49. Another personality lives within their mind. They work hard to suppress it, but this other personality does NOT approve of what the dominant personality is doing.
50. They are bound by a strict code of honor which limits their actions. For example, they will never fight an unarmed foe.
51. Suffers from some acute, irrational fear. Cowers in terror from the dark, flees from spiders, that sort of thing.
52. Committed some terrible crime in their past which they’ve managed to keep hidden from their friends and supporters. If brought to light it would undo them.
53. Their body rejects whatever the most direct and useful form of healing is. Whether it’s magic spells or injections of science goo, it causes them to vomit and convulse until they’ve lost as much health as would have been gained by a normal person.
54. Hemophilia. Their blood does not clot properly, and so any injury which gets them bleeding is incredibly dangerous.
55. Their vision is quite poor. They really ought to wear glasses, but don’t for whatever reason. Or perhaps they do, but their vision is so bad that glasses can’t fully compensate for it.
56. Accident prone. Perhaps they lack a good sense of balance, or good situational awareness, but they frequently stumble on stairs, knock things off tables, bump into walls, etc.
57. They refuse to think about the secondary consequences of their actions. They never plan more than a single “move” in advance. Complicated strategy confuses them, and is dismissed as “too convoluted.”
58. Easily falls into tunnel vision. Whatever they’re focused on becomes their whole world, and it takes a very serious interruption for them to give attention to anything else.
59. They are chemically dependent on some substance. Either something originally taken for pleasure like alcohol or opium, or a medicine taken to treat a chronic illness.
60. Trusts too much in the power of fear as a means of ensuring cooperation from their subjects, soldiers, and allies.
61. Relies over-much on the element of surprise. They might act in random, even detrimental ways, because they believe it will throw their opponent off guard.
62. Believes in the ultimate supremacy of one type of power, and ignores all others. For example, they might be so impressed with military strength that they ignore the importance of political power, or of having good information.
63. A soft spot on their skull never closed up properly when they were a baby, leaving them more vulnerable to head trauma than most.
64. Color blindness makes it difficult for them to identify many signs and symbols dependent on color.
65. A prudish disposition. They are shocked and disgusted by strong language, sex, spicy food, or by anyone who enjoys such things. It’s surprising how strong a reaction you can get out of them with a simple curse word.
66. Has made a great number of enemies, all of whom are potential allies to the players. Some of these enemies are dedicated enough to die for revenge.
67. Embroiled in a secret love affair which could destroy an important alliance if it were brought to light. Alternatively, their partner or other family member is the one embroiled in the affair, and they have no knowledge of it.
68. Lacks immunity to some common childhood ailment which can be serious, or even deadly, if caught as an adult.
69. Proud of their expertise in some given skill. Very defensive about it too, must always prove that they’re the best whenever anyone else claims to be decent at it.
70. Believes everyone is just as selfish/greedy/cowardly as they themselves are. If they’d sell their mother for a sack of gold, then they may easily be tricked into thinking another person would do the same.
71. They distrust experts. They’re much more likely to believe in the opinions of a friend, or the ramblings of a seer. Probably a nepotist.
72. Has an overinflated sense of how much loyalty they inspire in people. It’s almost inconceivable to them that anyone would betray them.
73. Underestimates anyone who isn’t part of their social in-group. For example, a wizard might believe nobody who lacks magical powers could be a threat to them. An aristocrat might dismiss anyone from a lower social class. Etc.
74. Their genitalia are mangled, either by some complication of their birth, or some accident they suffered in life. Sex is embarrassing, difficult, and possibly even painful. They’re very pent up.
75. Afflicted with Asthma. Cold environments, extended physical activity, dust, and other irritants can bring on an attack which leaves them wheezing and unable to breathe properly.
76. Afflicted with Diabetes. They must carefully monitor their intake of sugars. If one were to replace all their cookies with sugar-free ones, it could be deadly.
77. They are unwilling to accept any colatoral injuries or death for their actions. Taking a hostage would be an effective tactic against them. Kinda means you’re the villain, though.
78. They benefit and are protected by the favor of some individual. A person who might be convinced to stop.
79. Has made a silly oath in their past. Perhaps they regret it, but for whatever reason they are intent on upholding it. Perhaps it is a matter of personal honor, or maybe breaking the oath would have magical consequences.
80. Lives in a social bubble. They’re unaware of much that has been done in their name because the people around them only tell them what they want to hear.
81. Is a member of a much-loathed social group, which prevents them from ever being fully accepted by their peers. Perhaps they are of an untouchable caste, immigrated from an enemy nation, or simply come from a poor family.
82. Place entirely too much faith in the tried and true. “If it worked for our forefathers it will work for us,” “the wall has repelled every attack for a thousand years, it won’t fall now.” They are ill prepared for dealing with new technologies or methods.
83. They are comfortable in the assumption that greater force will always win out in the end. So long as they have the biggest stick in town, they’re not worried.
84. The powers, abilities, or protections of the character are tied to a given location. The further they get from it, the weaker they are. Likewise the closer they get, the stronger. Perhaps the location is the place of their birth, or the place where they made their pact with the devil, or any number of other options.
85. The true name of this character, when spoken in their presence, removes a magical protection or otherwise weakens them.
86. There is an innocuous, non-damaging spell. It’s probably a first level one from the basic list. When this spell is cast on them, it has wild extra effects.
87. In a great deal of debt. Perhaps it is money to a bank or patron, or perhaps they’re in debt to a demon or wizard for some less common currency. Regardless, they’re not being very good about paying it back. Their creditor is not happy.
88. The sun is tied to their powers, abilities, or protections in some way. Either it sustains them, or surpresses them, so that their abilities fluctuate throughout the day according to how much sunlight they’re exposed to. Could also work with the moon.
89. Is in terrible physical shape. Can’t lift or run much at all, gets exhausted easily.
90. One of their powers can be warded against by an incredibly obscure, but quite simple method.
91. They are secretly some sort of creature other than what they pretend. Perhaps they’re a vampire pretending to be human, or a human pretending to be a lich, or a pile of snakes pretending to be an angel. Regardless, they have all the weaknesses inherent to their true form.
92. Holds to a deep belief in some elaborate, exploitable fiction. Perhaps a set of superstitions, social norms about gender or sex, a religious belief system, or a fortune teller.
93. Has a compromised immune system. They are prone to catch any disease they are exposed to.
94. Gullible. Can be tricked much more easily than they ought to be.
95. Is a truly terrible speaker. They jump all over the place, forget what they’re driving at, and will ultimately fail to be convincing if they ever need to make an important speech.
96. In the past their life was saved by a time traveler. One who has not yet gone back in time to save them, and who might be stopped.
97. Satisfying their ultimate desires is actually much simpler than they think it is. For example, they might think they want to conquer the world, but really they just want someone to love them. If someone is found to love them, then conquering the world will suddenly seem a great deal less important.
98. Miserly. They’re unlikely to ever spend money unless they feel it’s absolutely essential. Anyone they hire doubtless feels underpaid, and any buildings or equipment they’re responsible for are probably ill-maintained.
99. Wholeheartedly believes in the value of individualism. Refuses to acknowledge the role anyone else has had in their past successes, and refuses to accept any help that would diminish their sense of self reliance.
100. Believes they have a magical protection against a certain sort of harm which they actually do not have. Perhaps they did at one time, but it has worn off.

Whilst perusing old notebooks I found the first half of this table, and figured it deserved to be finished. I hope you find a use for it in your game! If you are so inclined there’s some year’s end thoughts down at the bottom of this post, but the first thing ought to be first:

1. Almost all of the thieves are undercover law enforcement of some kind. Only a handful are truly outlaws. The cops are unaware of one another, working at cross purposes for a variety of different interested parties. Any serious raid will trigger each “thief” to bring unexpected resources to bear in their own act of betrayal. The Characters will undoubtedly be accosted for ruining a carefully planned operation multiple times. The few sincere thieves will likely be able to escape in all the confusion.
2. The crown jewels of a local kingdom are here! This is peculiar, as the king wore them quite recently at an official function. As it turns out the real jewels were replaced by an elaborate fake several months ago, and no one noticed. This will be a great embarrassment for the crown if it becomes known.
3. The thieves have a bunch of cats. These are pets, not guardians. Any protection of the hideout is completely incidental. They just try to play, whine for food, or hide in inconvenient places to dart out and trip or scratch people who bother them.
4. There is an extensive cache of records in the hideout, which details how everything stolen by the band was actually stolen from the thieves’ own ancestors during the looting of their homeland several hundred years ago.
5. The deepest chamber of the den opens up into a blazing pit of lava. Each time the thieves return from a heist they ritually cast the most valuable loot into the pit. This is supposed to bring them luck. If the Characters came here in search of a specific item it was most likely valuable enough to be destroyed–although it may be that the players were only able to find the hideout because the ritual was subverted by some thief who decided to keep the valuable object for themselves.
6. Among the loot is a famous book long thought to be forever lost: “Costecles’ Historie & Poetrie of the Taco-Sealite War.” It was taken from a wealthy collector who never came forward with it for unknown reasons. Perhaps they did not know it existed among their vast collection, or selfishly wished to hoard the book’s secrets for themselves. The book may even reveal some embarrassing secret about their ancestry which they wished to keep hidden.
7. The walls are lined with plaques, each displaying some simple object of modest value: a silver fork, a pair of spectacles, a bolt of lace. Each member of the band has their first theft displayed in this way. Only children are recruited so they will grow up loyal to their brother, sister, and sibling thieves.
8. The wall of the main room is dominated by a fresco which replicates the “Honor Among Thieves” cartoon illustrated by Darlene Pekul for the first edition Dungeon Master’s Guide.

9. A set of diagrams and formulae which explain many of the strange thefts the band has carried out. According to the plans, the items taken can be used to construct a marvelous device with terrible implications.
10. Firmly mounted to a display pedestal is a great green gem. When touched, it forces a saving throw versus Magic. Failure causes a person to be afflicted with Kleptomania. They must steal a number of objects each day equal to their level, or suffer a negative each day until they do.
11. A locked room contains Susetta ZuFallo, a renowned painter who went missing several years ago. Wild speculation followed her disapperance: did she wander into the woods and die, or did she flee with a secret lover to some far off land where she could learn the secret techniques for foreign masters? Turns out this band has been keeping her hostage as their resident tattoo artist. It would explain why they all have such elaborate ink.
12. Ledgers detail the many rumors the thieves have set in motion. They range from the petty (“The Cobbler’s husband has been sleeping around!”) to the serious (“The local duke poisoned his sister to usurp her lands.”). Some were started on commission, and list the client and the sums paid for the work. Others were started out of personal enmity, or as part of an elaborate plan to make a difficult theft easier, or simply at random to keep in good practice.
13. A collection of ceramic jars sealed with wax. Etched in the wax of each is a person’s name, a date, and some excretion of the human body: piss, shit, blood, vomit, menses, snot. The list goes on, and none of it is pleasant. The names all belong to notable people. These excretions are easy enough to steal, and can sometimes be fenced to those who wish to author a curse on the individual in question.
14. There is a well illuminated table in a draft-free room. Across it are scattered hundreds, perhaps even thousands of tiny scraps of paper. These used to be a treasure map before some catastrophic event caused it to enter its current state. It’s hard to believe any treasure could possibly be worth the effort of jigsawing the map back together, but the band’s leader is resolute in their belief that it is.
15. Each day at 10:00am in the morning, a water clock chimes a bell which resounds through the whole of the lair. Every member then stands to face their gang’s banner, (one hangs in every room) and recite the oath of loyalty. This happens every day without fail, and every member of the band remembers receiving or witnessing the beatings given to someone who is “in the middle of something right now.” The importance of this act has been so ground into these people’s minds that has become automatic. If the bell were to chime mid-combat, they’d all lose at least one round as they paused in confusion. Some might even go so far as to recite the whole oath.
16. By some unknown science, the band has come to posses a bulky apparatus which shrinks items down to 1/10th their original size, and an even bulkier apparatus which returns them to normal. The former can be disassembled enough to be portable by a group of 3 or 4 thieves, and explains how they have been so successful in carrying off large hauls.
17. The beds the thieves sleep in are eerie. More like glass coffins wrapped in tubes. When they first discovered this hideout the beds were already here. It was easy enough to dispatch the idiots hibernating inside, and claim the space for their own. Anyone who sleeps in these beds for 2 hours will awake fully refreshed as if they had slept for 8. One could also use the beds to hibernate for up to 10 years at a time without food or other necessities, but…why would anyone want to do that?
18. One of the deeper rooms in the lair is a daycare of the kids of those in the gang. It’s a very forward thinking program.
19. There’s a greenhosuse in which someone has grown a surprising variety of foods, and a number of decorative flowers which serve no real purpose here beyond their aesthetic pleasure. Someone among these thieves is quite a gardener.
20. An albino stag roams the halls of the hideout. It is entirely at ease in this unnatural habitat, and the thieves have adopted it as a mascot. They treat it well, and it will become violent if it sees them being harmed.

Year’s End Thoughts:
Anno Domini 2019 has been the second most sparse year Papers & Pencils has ever had. At about 1.5 posts per month, I fell short of my goal, but still fell within the 1 post per month rule I set for myself at the start of the year. I certainly would have done better if not for how busy I was through September-November, but this should not be a factor in 2020.

More positively, I was way more productive in releasing more polished work this year than I’ve ever been before. There was Deadly Dungeons, Mice with Legitimate Grievances, and The Dachshund Dungeon. There was the re-release of The Bloodsoaked Boudoir of Velkis the Vile, and my Zelda fan-game LOZAS to boot! This was the whole point of scaling back my commitment to the blog, and all those releases were in the first half of the year. I can certainly do better in 2020.

The G+ diaspora is still a afflicting me nine months after the fact. It is so much more difficult to produce good work without a reliable community of folks to energize my mind. I have many good friends of course, and I know many have found homes for themselves on Twitter and Discord, but the extant platforms are more exhausting than energizing for me. This is a problem I hope to tackle actively in the coming year. For now I will remind anyone reading this that my Twitter account is @linkskywalker, my Mastadon account is @linkskywalker@radical.town, and on Discord I’m linkskywalker#1679. The TROIKA! forums could be a nice place, and if need be I can also be found on Facebook, Instagram, Pluspora, and MeWe.

I hope you are well, and safe, and happy. You have my best wishes for the coming year. Be good to people, and punch nazis wherever you find them.

About two years ago Diogo Nogueira wrote a post which eloquently explained the importance of contextualizing choices in a dungeon. The referee cannot simply say “There are exits to the East and West.” That’s a false choice. A coin flip. Useless information. I performed a reading of it for Blogs on Tape.

Earlier this year Anne Hunter wrote a response to Diogo. She agreed that his method was the best way to run dungeons, but argued that the current state of published material made it an unreasonable expectation to place on referees. After all: if a hallway has 4 exits, that’s 4 rooms that must be referenced and processed into clues before the referee can finish describing the hallway. She suggests the problem could be alleviated by keying hallways to include these hints. I have performed a Blogs on Tape reading of her post as well.

Diogo is correct* about how dungeons ought to be described. The importance of giving players sufficient information to make their choices with real agency is fundamental to OSR play. Anne is likewise correct that most published material doesn’t support this style of play. Speaking for myself, I’ve only got so much mental bandwidth. Sometimes it’s difficult to process the current room’s description for my players. Processing every adjacent room’s text in the same breath just isn’t going to happen.

*(Though there is some unexplored ground on what can make a dungeon choice meaningful. A simple East or West choice can work if the players are mapping, and have a specific place they wish to reach or to avoid. Likewise, one corridor left undescribed while another is given detail creates a meaningful contrast. )

So my D&D friends are super cool people with clever thoughts about gameplay, and they deserve to have their work read. That’s good and great and all, but what’s the point of this post? Well: while Anne is correct in her criticism, I don’t like keying hallways as a solution. I have 3 reasons.

Reason the First: Adding descriptions to hallways would make dungeons more wordy. Words take time to read; so unless they are memorized more words means the game will run slower at the table. We ought to be aiming for dungeons that are less wordy, not more.

Reason the Second: If the idea is to add information to help referees give players meaningful choices about which exit to choose, then we couldn’t stop at hallways. All rooms have exits, and so all rooms would need this extra text, further exacerbating bloat issue.

Reason the Third: A set of static hints for what exists in adjacent spaces feels like a drift towards boxed text. It attempts to do the referee’s thinking for them, and in doing so makes the dungeon inflexible. I would rather a more open ended tool. One that can be interpreted different ways in different circumstances.

Rather than adding more text to our room descriptions, I believe the problem would best be solved by adding more descriptive art to our dungeon maps. This would avoid straining our readers’ attentions with bloated text, and make use of space that is otherwise left empty.

Take this Dyson Logos map. It’s gorgeous, modern, and empty. If someone were to use it for their module, they’d of course need to add reference numbers in each room they wished to key. The numbers alone would hardly fill the space, so why stop there? If each room also had a tiny doodled icon that represented its contents, that would turn the map into a vastly more powerful tool.

It is reasonable to assume that anyone running a published adventure will need to have read it through at least once. Their familiarity with the text will allow them to dynamically create their own hints for players on the fly. A cat-o-nine tails icon might indicate a torture chamber. When the players come to that door, the referee might describe screams of pain coming from beyond, or it might be smeared with blood, or an executioner’s hood might hang on a hook beside it. The referee is empowered, rather than dictated to.

The art need not be fancy, either. So long as the referee can look at what you doodled and be reminded of what they read, the goal is accomplished. I experimented with this in Mice with Legitimate Grievances, which has an ugly as hell map, but even my crude scribblings do the job of giving the referee better access to necessary information. I regret that I didn’t carry on with it in The Dachshund Dungeon, but I believe it’ll be a standard feature of my adventures from here on.

By all the gods real and imagined it feels good to get back to writing.

Three and a half years ago I began a Rules as Written LotFP game set on post apocalyptic Mars, and called it “On a Red World Alone.” Bit by bit each rule was tinkered with. Today ORWA is a game unto itself, and if you’re interested in what that game looks like I’ve linked the current rules document below.

This revision, the 8th, is a complete ground-up rewrite, and the first I’ve ever shared publicly. The version of the document linked below also includes all the tables and encounters I use to run the game. The stuff my players never get to see.

Speaking of, if you play in ORWA, or if you’re interested in doing so, you should not read this document. It contains information which would be deleterious to your enjoyment of the game.

ORWA Version 8.
Don’t click if you play in the game!

I hope this will be interesting to folks who have followed the evolution of my process. In here you’ll see the most up-to-date versions of how I run Haven Turns, or how I structure encounter tables. That said, what you won’t see is much explanatory text at all. These are notes written either for myself, or for my players, so it may not always be clear to someone outside that fairly limited circle. If anyone has questions, I’ll be happy to answer them in the comments.

I made a thing for you folks. It’s about a cordial society of Gentledogs trying to live up to their own values, and the wizard who doesn’t want them to. I hope ya’ll like it. Many thanks to Moreven B. for loving Dachshunds so much that she made me a mountain of fancy interior art. Also to my friends Joe V. and Comrade Pollux for providing some last minute proof reading. You would not believe some of the typos that almost made it into this thing.

Download The Dachshund Dungeon!

Secret Santicore 2017 is finally available thanks to the diligent stewardship of Steve Sigety and layout savior David Sugars. Tons of folks came together to produce these beautiful 90 pages of cool game shit. My own contribution was a d100 table of Alchemical Accidents:

While attempting to mix the desired concoction, there is an explosion, and…

1. When the dust settles, all that remains are two gallons of milk in plastic jugs.
2. One of the vials is unbroken, and it contains a potion of Suzie. The imbiber instantly transforms into an 8 year old girl with red pig tails, and freckles all over her face. She is the protagonist of a popular series of children’s books, and will want to go on adventures, and learn simple lessons. The transformation lasts until it is undone by some magic.
3. A puppy, which speaks like an 18^th century aristocrat appears.
4. A bucket’s worth of refined napalm pools on the floor.
5. The metaphysical concept of the number six has been made physically manifest. It must be protected at all costs. If it is destroyed, math will cease to function throughout the cosmos.
6. A single jar is is not shattered, and contains Fetish Juice. Anyone who consumes it will gain an intense, kinky desire.
7. Seeds blow out in all direction, at least a few of which will land outside. Within a year, the seeds will grow into thriving apple-on-a-cob plants.
8. A rift is torn open in space time, leading to the most boring possible version of the character’s reality.
9. There’s a puddle of green glowing goo on the ground. Touching it causes a person to mutate to resemble whatever other animal they were most recently in contact with.
10. There’s a puddle of green glowing goo on the ground. It doesn’t do anything, it’s just kinda gross.
11. Along with the smoke and shrapnel, there are bones in the explosion, enough for a full skeleton. It’s not clear where they came from, though study may reveal that they are exact clones of the alchemist’s own bones.
12. When the smoke clears, a naked clone of the alchemist is all that remains of the lab.
13. When the smoke clears, an evil naked clone of the alchemist is all that remains of the lab. The clone also has wings and laser eyes and twice as many hit points as the alchemist has.
14. When the smoke clears, all that remains of the lab is a clone of the alchemist that is such a profoundly good creature, that it cannot abide allowing the alchemist (who is necessarily evil by comparison) to live.
15. A single decanter remains intact, filled with a Potion of Shoe Location. When consumed, the imbiber will gain a sixth sense, enabling them to locate any shoews nearby.
16. The explosion is caused when sheets of paper begin to appear, one after the other, inside a sealed jar. Eventually the jar bursts, sending glass and pages everywhere. There is typing on the pages, and if they are gathered up and placed in the correct order, they form a really shitty novel.
17. All that is left is a lizard. A sort of iguana looking thing, with organic jet engines instead of feet, allowing it to fly or hover, as it wills.
18. There’s a beaker on the floor, filled with a Potion of Wanting a Haircut. Consuming it will cause a person to want to go get their hair cut.
19. A fleshy tarp covers the whole space of the laboratory. It shudders with pleasure when touched.
20. The explosion gradually settles into a cloud of fetid gas, large enough to fill the room. This cloud can never be dispersed, though it could be moved by a sufficiently powerful aircurrent.
21. All that remains is a cup, with a potion of Creative Dance in it. When consumed, the imbiber will be flooded with ideas for interesting new dances.
22. A wildly gesticulating hand flops about in the aftermath. If the hand is given a writing implement, it will immediately begin writing gibberish, and never stop so long as it is not restrained from continuing. There may or may not be hidden meaning in this gibberish.
23. A mysterious concoction has appeared, in a little jar labelled “Drink Me.” If it is consumed, and the imbiber has a dick, then their dick falls off. If the imbiber does not have a dick, then they grow a dick.
24. The Alchemist has invented American Cheese. Thanks a fucking lot, Alchemy bro. That’s something the world really needed.
25. A potion of Speed Reading has been created, allowing the imbiber to read at three times their normal rate.
26. From every jar and beaker, a cactus begins to grow, and it just wont…stop…growing…
27. A black monolith appears, harbenger both of growth, and of violence. Every creature present will be awakened to a new level of existence, and filled with an intense desire to use their newfound enlightenment to dominate those around them.
28. The alchemist has accidentally created a star, roughly the size of a marble. The heat from a star even this small is so intense that everthing in its viscinity burns.
29. The ghost of a woman who never lived is created. She is a crossing guard, and will attempt to let people know when it is safe to walk, and when it is not.
30. PARTY EXPLOSION! Confetti and streamers burst outwards from the failed concoction. Banners affix themselves to the walls, hats appear on heads, and dance music begins to pound as if from nowhere. It’s a celebration! Everyone must party. Not partying is impossible.
31. One of the vials is unbroken, and within is a potion of affection for the color green. Consuming it will make you mildly predisposed to like things that have a green color. Ironically, the potion itself is red.
32. A single decanter remains, with a bit of fluid inside of it. This is a potion of Temporarily Forgetting Your Own Name. The effects of this potion are entirely predictable.
33. A milky white goo has congealed into a crater in the ground. It is a tincture of racism. If consumed in any amount, randomly determine a race for the dumbass who consumed mysterious white goo to hate.
34. The mind-altering smoke is laced with tacheon particles. At some point in the past of everyone who inhales it, they will make a different decision during some pivotal moment in their life. This new choice in their past is still consistent with their character at the time, but it changes their present circumstance in some significant way. The referee may designate anyone they desire to identify this different choice. If the inhaler objects that it’s not something they ever would have done, the table must vote on whether or not it is consistent with their character. Majority rules.
35. There’s one beaker left, containing a potion of Speak to Mosquitos, duration 2 hours. Mosquitos are macabre, edgelord little shits.
36. The alchemist has accidentally discovered chocolate chip cookies. Bake sales will never be the same.
37. A spray of liquid paper splatters all across the room.
38. As the orange dust settles, it coats everything in the room with a strange kind of greasy powder, that tastes vaguely of cheese. The flavor is wholely unnatural, yet addictively compelling, and fills the consumer with an intense desire for something called “mountain dew,” whatever that is.
39. Only a single vat remains, now filled with a dull grey liquid. If gold is dipped into this vat, it will be transformed into lead.
40. In the center of the room is a massive heap of slimy, shower-drain hair.
41. A radioactive isotope has been created. It glows with a faint green light, and is quietly poisoning everyone in the room.
42. All that’s left is a 6 inch cube of an unbreakable, unmalleable, unmeltable, completely unknown metal.
43. A Potion of Melodrama has been created. Whomever consumes it will become suddenly melodramatic about every little thing that happens to them. There is no cure.
44. Tiny flecks of something too small to hurt pelt everyone in the room. Once it’s safe for people to open their eyes, they will discover they are surrounded by piles of clipped toe and fingernails.
45. The air grows cold, and the lights grow dim. Wherever you are, a long winter night has begun. Pray you do not die.
46. The room is splattered with a thick coat of the big mac’s secret sauce.
47. The explosion has birthed a potion leech. A creature which sustains itself by sucking potions and other magical effects out of people’s bodies.
48. A noise hole is opened to the future. Only sound passes through it. The other end of the hole is in the basement of a house in Miluakee, on April 7^th, 1974. Nobody is down there for most of the day, but at 3pm a man comes down to start a load of laundery, and at around 4, a woman comes down to move it into the dryer. Time on the other end of the sound hole loops each day.
49. Fart in a jar.
50. A mysterious concoction appears. It is a Potion of Annoying Laughter, which permanently alters the laugh of whoever consumes it. Anytime they are amused, they emit one of the most unpleasant, inhuman sounds that could ever be called a ‘laugh.’
51. It’s not just a normal alchemical failure explosion. It’s a really big alchemical failure explosion. All that’s left is a crater, with a 500’ radius. Mysteriously, no warm blooded creatures are harmed by the explosion. It just passes over them like a hot breeze.
52. The alchemical explosion expands outwards in slow motion. It is intensely hot and dangerous, but will take over 2 years to complete.
53. A massive portal to the south pole of the planet is torn open. The tear in space gets larger and larger, until it’s over 100’ long, with cold wind blasting through it. This dramatically changes the weather patterns in the local area, gradually causing a cataclysmic shift in the environment.
54. A 6’ high pile of human noses fills the room. Periodically, one of them sniffs loudly, as though trying to identify a smell.
55. Someone’s skin has appeared on the laboratory floor. There’s no seams, no tears, no blood, and absolutely nothing inside the skin. Somewhere in the world, someone’s skin has just disappeared, leaving them a screaming heap of exposed muscles and organs.
56. A mysterious voice whispers “thank you…” and fades away. It’s a completely sincere sentiment, and there’s no indication of what anyone has done to deserve being thanked.
57. All oxygent in the room vanishes, creating a vaccuum until some doors or windows are opened.
58. A small bit of ice. If this ice comes into contact with any water, it will rearrange the atomic structure of that water, freezing it instantly into ice.
59. An all-consuming moss has been created. Gods have mercy on you for what you’ve done.
60. There is an unbroken flask, containing a Potion of Static Shock. Whoever consumes it will generate a charge on their body, causing them to receive a static shock anytime they touch anything metal. The effect lasts for two weeks.
61. There’s one beaker left, containing a potion of Knowing Pi. The effect lasts for 10 minutes, and during this time the imbier knows every single digit of pi. Of course, they can only communicate so much of what they know in the 10 minutes they have before their knowledge fades.
62. The 9^th Roman Legion marches out of the smoke. It takes awhile for the whole group of them to emerge, and they won’t seem to notice they’ve been snatched out of the past until every one of them has arrived.
63. A tincture of Pleasant-Smelling Farts has been created. If consumed, a person never need worry again about the social awkwardness of releasing their poo-gas around other people.
64. A randomly determined 8^th level spell forces itself into the Alchemist’s brain. Unless the alchemist is already capable of casting 8^th level spells, this process is completely overwhelming, to the point of causing some damage to their brain. The spell must be cast immediately, or the more damage will be done. The playewr has no time to read the spell’s description, they must simply pick a target and go.
65. There’s a decanter embeded in the wall, filled with a strange glowing liquid. It is a potion of paraplegia. When consumed, it causes a person to temporarily lose all motor function beneath the neck.
66. A portal is created to the bottom of a nearby lake. Water pours through the portal until the lake is drained.
67. A pair of stone tablets have appeared, with Holy Commandments eleven through twenty inscribed on them.
68. A Tincture of Tolerance has been created. Nothing really bothers the one who consumes it. I mean, they may not like something, but they’re not going to make a fuss about it or anything.
69. A tear in the cosmic fabric appears, and a bloodshot eye looks through it. The eye presses itself up against the tear, and looks around the room with a hateful gaze.
70. An army of hopping legs is created, and they begin boopin’ and boppin’ all about the place.
71. There’s one beaker left amidst the shattered glass of the alchemical equipment. It contains a black liquid which, if consumed, proves to be a Potion of Emo Bullshit. The imbiber is uncontrollably compelled to act like a sad, upper middle class teenager from the mid 2000s. The curse lasts for about 5 years, or until strong magics are used to break it.
72. Amelia Airhart appears, torn away from the future and dropped, annoyed, into the destroyed alchemical lab.
73. All metal in the area instantly heats into a molten state.
74. A Potion of Ranting About Half-Baked Political Nonsense is created.
75. A strange, haunting music begins to play, growing gradually louder until people have to cover their ears. The music will never go away. It will continue to play here for all time.
76. Everyone impacted by the blast feels a surge of artistic inspiration. They are compelled to go out and create something.
77. A vial rolls out from the center of the blast, containing a Potion of Obsession with Dumb Jokes.
78. A powerful creature is summoned from the outer planes. Randomly determine whether it is an angel, a demon, a devil, or some otherworldly horror beyond human reckoning. In any event, it will not be happy to have been pulled from wherever it was before.
79. A conduit is opened for speaking directly to God. Turns out, though, God is kind of a loser nerd.
80. The sound of crying echoes from nowhere in particular.
81. A cup slides out from the smoke, containing a potion of Body Part Shrinkage. Randomly determine which body part shrinks when the potion is consumed.
82. A cup slides out from the smoke, containing a potion of Body Part Gigantism. Randomly determine which body part enlarges when the potion is consumed.
83. A geyser of beer erupts from the earth. It’s a pretty decent brew.
84. Instead of a “boom,” the explosion sounds like a sentence. A profound, cosmic truth, bellowed into our world. Something no one ever would have thought of. And yet, now that they’ve heard it, they wonder how they’ve lived so long without realizing its obvious truth.
85. A bitter, hateful voice worms its way into the heads of everyone in the room. It will criticize and question everything they say and do until it is somehow expelled.
86. A shark appears, flopping on the ground, suffocating and dying.
87. A fat little writer goblin named Nyc is born. He is terrible.
88. Suddenly, everyone in the room is wearing these really cool, matching leather vests. They’ve got studded eppaulets and everything.
89. A vial flies out of the explosion, and lands right in the alchemist’s hands. It contains a Potion of Alopecia. Drinking it will cause the imbiber’s body to become completely, and permanently, devoid of any hair.
90. A tiny war cry is squaked into the room, as an eight inch tall Klingon charges out of the smoke, Bat’leth swinging above his head.
91. Tongues begin growing out of the floor, walls, and ceiling, waggling about and trying to taste anything within reach.
92. An intense interest in an obscure, ancient sport begins radiating out from this spot. Anyone who comes within a mile will have heard of the sport, and be interested in learning the rules. People closer to the source, or who spend an extended period of time in the area, will become obsessed with playing the game, building a playing field, and eventually getting a league going.
93. The fingernails of everyone in the room begin to grow out of control.
94. A potion is created which, when consumed, causes the imbiber to lose control of their bowels.
95. A permanent door is created, which leads to some other part of the world within a few miles of here.
96. Everyone in the room is instantaneously teleported to a chamber deep underground. How far they have gone, and how deep they are, is unknown.
97. Tails grow outta errybody’s butts.
98. The alchemist suddenly finds they have a passion for styling people’s hair. It’s now much more interesting to them than Alchemy is.
99. A constant spray of lubricating gel starts spraying all around the room.
100. A creature that resembles OSR luminary Cecil Howe appears, except he sweats a lot, cannot stop farting, and nobody will ever ever want to kiss him.