I found these old cards at a thrift store a few years back, and sent out the very last of them this year. Inside it says “I hope yule log on for the holidays,” which is just delightfully corny. In the ’90s I would have found it gauche, but with 30 years of hindsight it charms me.
I’m fond of Christmas, and if you are as well, then I hope you’re having a very merry morning today! And for everyone else, I hope you’re also having a merry morning for reasons entirely separate from the holiday.
As is tradition on this day, I’ve crafted a song for you to cringe at! This year I’ve taken the melody of “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing,” and replaced the lyrics with a little story from the perspective of a hireling. One that I think reflects a common experience for these ill-fated NPCs in many OSR games. Sadly, neither my singing voice nor my dance moves have improved at all over the years. (Perhaps one day of practice each year is not enough?) I’m pretty happy with these lyrics, though. Fr fr. No cap. ^_^
If you’re a new reader, this is the ninth time I’ve done this, so there’s a significant back-catalogue of songs by now.
This year I’ve also discovered that’s it’s fairly affordable to license background music when you’re using public domain melodies on small personal projects. My respect to Ben Dransfield of bdProductions for performing the music and making it available royalty free for just a few bucks.
Hark! I Am a Hireling — Lyrics
Mom don’t fret about a thing,
I am now a hireling.
Holding torches, hauling loot,
no doubt gen’rous tips to boot.
Orcs looking at us cock-eyed.
“Where should noncombatants hide?”
Dagger shoved into my hand:
“Fight or Die” is the command.
Mom don’t fret about a thing,
I am now a hireling.
Dungeon law is sink or swim.
Fate for those who fail is grim.
“What contract?” the boss man asks,
“want to find your own way back?”
Traps rend comrades to my right,
on our left the skel’tons fight.
Treasure found: from gold is wrought;
wage in copper been forgot.
Mom pray for my homecoming,
life’s bad for a hireling.
Pressing onward caution thrown,
gold lust in the bosses’ bones.
Spy a flagstone raised slightly.
Press my lips shut tightly.
Lancing fire and scything blade!
Boss-man skewered and sauteed!
With his helm atop my head,
no more will we be misled.
Mom I bring wealth fit for kings,
I’m no more a hireling.
This is amazing, I love the lyrics. I can totally imagine a bunch of B/X hirelings singing this in a tavern lol. Merry Christmas and happy holidays to you too!
I’m glad that I’m around to comment for one of these legendary tracks as it drops. Merry Christmas, fam, and may all your adventurer bosses die horribly after clearing the dungeon for you.