Magical Marvels 31: Getting Weird with the Classics 3

This shit is way too entertaining to ever stop doing it. Same thing as last time. Three randomly determined magic items from the AD&D Dungeon Master’s Guide. One roll on the rings table, two rolls on the miscellaneous tables. The items are modified to suit my own sensibilities. This isn’t an attempt to “update” or “fix” anything, since none of them are broken. They’re just not my style.

Ring of Spell Turning

This ring distorts the three normal dimensions with respect to magic spells directed at its wearer. Any spell cast at an individual will usually rebound, in part or perhaps in whole, upon the spell caster. The distance between, and area occupied by, the victim (the ring wearer) and the spell caster are not as they seem when the magic activates the spell turning ring.

Ring of Spell Divergence

Spells cast by, or at, the wearer of this ring have something like the opposite of their intended effect. These aberrant magics are conjured from the imagination of the referee on the spot, and he or she bears no responsibility for making these new spells any better or worse than the originals. The ring is no guarantee of safety from magic, and the wearer takes full responsibility for the risks of wearing it.

Whatever illogical weirdness the referee comes up with when pressured to invent a new spell on the spot is unassailable law. They are not bound to remember precedent, or make their aberrant spells consistent in any way. The spells produced in the spur of the moment may or may not be available to be researched on their own in the game world, determined by the referee on a case by case basis.

Any attempt to argue with the referee, even to simply suggest a more reasonable ‘opposite’ spell effect, causes the ring to explode and take the wearer’s entire hand with it. Any anachronisms in the referee’s thinking on this subject are not a bug. They are a feature. They are the infinite impossibilities of magic folding backwards onto themselves, and producing something spontaneous, and terrifyingly beautiful.

Thus “Fireball” may become “Water Cube.” Or it may trap you inside a giant hamster ball of fire. Or it may force you to sing Katy Perry’s “Firework,” replacing the titular word with “Fireball.” Every referee will come up with a different way to reverse any given spell. The wearer must hope that these will work out in their favor more often than not.

Bag of Tricks

As is usual, a bag of tricks appears to be a typical size for sacks, and visual or other examination will not reveal any contents. However, if an individual reaches inside, her or she will feel a small, fuzzy object. If this is withdrawn and tossed 1′ to 20′ away, it will balloon into one of the following animals, which will obey and fight for the individual who brought it into being until the current combat terminates. The animals inside a bag of tricks are dependent upon which sort of bag is found. Roll 1d10 to determine which type.

(Type 1: weasel, skunk, badger, wolf, Giant Lynx, Wolverine, Boar, Giant Stag. Type 2: Rat, Owl, Dog, Goat, Ram, Bull, Bear, Lion, Type 3: Jackal, Eagle, Baboon, Ostrich, Leopard, Jaguar, Buffalo, Tiger)

Only 1 creature can be drawn forth at a time. It alone exists until it is slain or 1 turn has elapsed and it is ordered back into the back of tricks. Another animal may then be brought forth, but it could be another just like the one which was drawn previously. Note that only one roll is made for type of bag, but type of creature is rolled for each time one is drawn forth. up to 10 creatures maximum may be drawn from the bag each week.

For real, the Bag of Tricks is already pretty weird. I could easily see myself including this in a game nearly as-is, with only a few minor tweaks. Perhaps you’d need to coax an animal into the bag before it could be pulled out. But that isn’t really worth writing up, so I’m gonna jump a little off base with this one.

Cat in a Bag

A small burlap sack with a cat inside of it, closed tight with a knotted drawstring. The cat doesn’t particularly like being inside the bag, but it’s content enough that it doesn’t struggle or mewl constantly. It doesn’t need to be fed, but it can be harmed by attacks or by drowning, so some care must be taken to protect the bag.

Anytime the cat is let out of the bag, it will brush up against someone’s legs before running off to enjoy its temporary freedom. That person must reveal the most relevant secret they have. Whatever it is that they would most wish to keep hidden from the people who will hear them speak, is exactly what they must now reveal.

When the bag is opened, the owner should indicate a target to the cat. This cat is unusually obedient, so there is a fully 60% chance it will brush up against the indicated target’s legs. Otherwise, the cat’s target should be randomly determined from among everyone in the room, including the owner of the bag.

If the person has no obviously important secret to reveal, roll 1d6 to determine an appropriate sort of secret.

  1. The cat’s target must reveal a major crime which those present will want to punish them for committing.
  2. The cat’s target must reveal a minor crime which those present will want to prosecute them for committing.
  3. The cat’s target must reveal a shameful indiscretion from their past, which will alienate those around them.
  4. The cat’s target must reveal a taboo and disgusting preference, which will alienate them from those around them.
  5. The cat’s target must admit that they changed their identity, and provide a new name and 1-3 sentence backstory.
  6. The cat’s target must admit that they secretly produce embarrassingly bad art under a pseudonym.

Anytime the cat is let out of the bag, it will take some time to find the cat. There is a 1-in-6 chance of encountering it each hour the players spend in the same area if they are not specifically looking for it. A 3-in-6 chance per hour if they are specifically looking for it. Once found it can be reliably coaxed back into the back with 10 minutes of effort and a ration’s worth of food.

Javelin of Piercing

This weapon is not actually hurled, as when a command word is spoken, the Javelin of Piercing launches itself. Range is 6″, all distancves considered as short rangte. The javelin is +6 “to hit” and inflicts 7-12 hit points of damage. (Note this missile will fly horizontally, verticvally, or any combination thereof to the full extent of its range.) From 2-8 will be found. The magic of the javelin is good for only 1 throw.

The Snapshot Musket

For most magic items, ownership and possession are functionally the same thing. However, very nearly the whole point of the Snapshot Musket is to get other people to use it. Thus, ownership is granted to whomever most recently held the rifle while being fully cognizant of its magical properties.

The musket does not stand out among other weapons of its kind. It is a battered thing. Functional, but not beautiful. Any time the owner snaps their fingers, the weapon will fire. It does so whether or not it is loaded.

If the barrel pointed at a target, attack rolls are made normally without any bonuses or penalties. If the barrel is resting directly against something, a hit is automatic. If the barrel is not directed towards anything in particular, it probably won’t hit anything, but the referee may choose a random target at their discretion.

In any event, a gun going off unintentionally will certainly startle its wielder, and probably anyone nearby. The shot will be audible from a significant distance, and may attract unwanted attention.

Magical Marvels 20: The Skull Censer

Art by cbMorrie

The Skull Censer was crafted in mockery of the sacred incense censers used by goodly faiths throughout the world. Built by the hands of devil worshipers, and consecrated with the blood of an unbaptized child, it was used during Black Sabbaths to “bless” the faithful.

The chains used for handling the censer are affixed to a human skull–rumors disagree on who precisely the skull belonged to, but it was undoubtedly a man consecrated to the priesthood of a lawful god. Long gold bands mounted within the upper jaw support the incense dish. Oddly, regardless of the incense placed in it, the smoke which rises from it is always brilliantly green, luminescent, and smells of delicious cooking meats.

Though pleasant, this smoke has a predictably nefarious purpose. Those subjected to it for prolonged periods will slowly be drained of their vital essence. It will leave them frail, and they are more likely to succumb to disease or minor injury. Whilst the user of the device grows ever stronger, feeding on their essences before abandoning their congregation to find a new one.

In game terms, anyone who breathes the smoke from this censer for 20 minutes or more will lose 1 permanent hit point, which is transferred permanently to the on wielding the censer. This effect stacks, but cannot affect the same victim more than once per two week period. So an evil priest could use this in a ceremony with 5 other people, and at the end of that ceremony each of those 5 would have 1 fewer hit points, whilst the priest would have 5 more hit points than she had before.

The victims of this censer are entitled to a save v. magic after each encounter, with a bonus to their roll equal to the total number of hit points they’ve lost. If they succeed, they notice that they have grown steadily weaker ever since they’ve been around this censer. (Though it will not grant them specific knowledge of the cause. If they started eating more grains around the same time they started being afflicted, they could easily attribute their weakness to the change in diet).

Magical Marvel 19: Cloud Armor Ring

When worn, this ring immediately causes a funny tingling sensation in the wearer’s finger, and the purple gem begins to pulse with a smokey light. Slowly, this smoke begins to extend from the ring, forming around the wearer’s body. Over the course of an hour, the smoke spreads to cover the wearer’s body entirely in a shifting purple cloud.

Once it is fully active, the cloud functions as a suit of plate armor which is not encumbering, and does not impede movement in the slightest. Wearing it feels no different than wearing loose clothing made of lightweight cloth, and as such, does not impede spellcasting at all. Note that its protective effect begins only after the ring has been worn for 1 full hour, to allow the smoke to spread fully over the body. Note also that the ring does not grant any armor bonus in addition to armors which are already worn. A character wearing plate armor and this ring only receives the protective benefits of one.

Unfortunately, after an hour has passed and the armor is active, the wearer’s every movement makes a cacophony of noise. A simple motion of the hands is as loud as clashing swords, and every step sounds like a cascade of copper pots being banged together all at once. Because of this, while the armor is active, random encounters will be rolled 3 times more frequently than normal. This can be simulated either by rolling more frequently, or simply by rolling 3 dice every time you would normally roll a single check.

Magical Marvels 18: The Toy Boat

This tiny toy boat is very well made. It even has little oars! Aside from being a bit of an art piece, though, it seems mundane. Save for the fact that it starts glowing when Detect Magic is cast.

If the players happen to get the little boat wet, it will rapidly expand into a full-sized rowboat, which can easily carry four people in full adventuring gear. Once dry, it returns to its original, non-encumbering size. Of course, things don’t become dry as soon as they are removed from water. It might take a few hours on a hot summer day, or even several days if the weather is less favorable. The party may be forced to leave it behind and retrieve it later.

If the characters do bring this with them, be sure to note who is carrying it, and take appropriate action if they, say, walk beneath a waterfall, or get hit by a blast of water while fighting an elemental. The suddenly expanding boat may destroy any fragile equipment stored in the same container as it.

Magical Marvels 17: Spell Lock Axe

This mundane looking axe is appears at first to be the most useless magic item ever made. When a successful attack is made against a target, the player rolls no damage. The axe instead passes harmlessly through the target, as though the axe were an illusion. The only proof that the blow even landed is a puff of purple, foul-smelling smoke which lingers a moment after a successful blow.

The true value of the axe will become apparent only when it is used against a magic user. The axe severs the link between the magician’s corporeal body, and the metaphysical energies which she commands. As a result, a magic user who is struck with this weapon will be unable to cast spells. The MU will not be made immediately aware of this, and may attempt to cast a spell (or several) before realizing their powers have been somehow blocked.

The bond between the magician and the power of her craft heals quickly, however. The power to cast spells normally will return 1d10 minutes after the blow is struck. (This should be rolled instead of damage.)

The axe should still work against most creatures which use magic. Creatures which rely on magic to exist on this plane (such as demons, or ghosts) will instead be banished for 1d10 minutes.

Magical Marvels 16: Hellfire Jar

It has never been entirely clear whether Hellfire Jars are the product of an alchemical master, or whether they are in fact jars of true hellfire. In either case, the objects themselves are blessedly rare. And those who know of them consider them far too dangerous to use–unless they have the lack of good judgement and scruples normally associated with brigands and traveling adventurers.

When released from its ceramic jar, the fire will immediately fill a 10x10ft area, and expand at a rate of 1ft per minute. The hellfire burns sand, and stone, and steel just as a normal fire would burn wood. It reacts the water the same way normal fire reacts to lamp oil. Regardless of what is placed in its path, the hellfire will spread at 1ft per minute. Curiously, the hellfire does not consume anything on which it burns. If put out, it will appear as though the fire was never there.

The fire’s only weakness is the turning ability possessed by goodly clerics of level 3 or higher. A cleric of the appropriate level will instinctively feel the urge to turn the fire, upon seeing it. They need not make any check to perform this action, the fire will simply die down before the power of their faith. A single cleric may clear 10ft per level, per turn. (So, in 10 minutes, a level 3 cleric could clear 30ft of flames).

Any living creature caught within the hellfire’s area of effect is completely immobilized by pain. They will writhe and toss, but cannot coordinate their body sufficiently to run, or even move purposefully in any direction. Every turn which a person is subjected to this tournament will cost them 1 point of permanent wisdom loss. A reduction of 3 or more will leave a character with severe PTSD. In practice, they can never be within 15ft of any fire without entering a catatonic state for 1d6 turns. A wisdom reduction of 6 causes permanent insanity.

Magical Marvels 15: Deck of Illusions

In a recent game, one of my players who has been absent for months and months finally managed to show up again. She’s a rather quiet player who typically only speaks up if she has an item or ability which could be useful in the current situation. Near the end of the game, the party needed to get through a large room filled with Kobolds, and she offered to use her “deck.”

“What deck?” I asked.

“I dunno. It says ‘Deck of Illusions’ in my inventory.” she replied.

“Huh,” I said, “I have absolutely no recollection of what that is. But it sounds awesome. I’m good at this stuff.” And since I can’t find any notes which describe what this item is or how it works, I thought I ought to just make it up again, so here it is:

The deck of illusions is a standard deck of 52 cards. Each card correlates to a specific illusion which will be cast when the card is drawn, and last for 1 turn after it appears. Only one card can be drawn at a time, and once a card is drawn it must be used. If the players do not use it themselves, then 1 turn after it is drawn it will activate on its own in whatever way the GM deems to be the most obvious.

After the card is drawn, but before it is cast, the party may decide precisely how it will be applied. No adjustments can be made to the illusion. But, for example, if the players draw the Ace of Hearts, they may decide what color the rubber ball is, where it comes from, and how hard it is thrown. Do not mistake this to mean that the players control the illusion, however. Any instructions they wish to give the illusion must be given before the illusion is cast. So if they draw a vampire, they may tell it to be intimidating, and it will attempt to intimidate, but the players cannot choose the illusion’s individual responses.

All illusions are perfect unless otherwise noted. If a smell or a sound is appropriate, the smell or sound exists. The rolling boulder appears to smash objects in its path, even though those objects haven’t been touched. Likewise, an illusory table of food can be eaten, and it will have smell and taste and even an false sense of fullness from overindulgence. The one thing none of these illusions can do is cause lasting effects. Dangers cannot harm, food cannot sustain, halfling insurance cannot be counted upon. (Which is true regardless of whether the halfling selling it is an illusion or not, but my point stands).

Clubs

Ace: A roaring fire which can fill a room or hallway immediately, or spread gradually through it.
Two: A large rolling boulder.
Three: Eight orcs, armed with wicked barbed spears, charging and screaming.
Four: A pit, 30ft deep, spikes at the bottom, several dead bodies.
Five: A group of twelve shambling zombies.
Six: A blade which scythes out of the wall, floor, or ceiling, blocking forward passage.
Seven: A gelatinous cube.
Eight: Objects already present in the area animate, and act aggressively.
Nine: A volley of arrows from an unseen attacker. Volley is repeated every few moments.
Ten: A ceiling collapse.
Jack: A group of heavily armed adventurers. No particular appearance can be specified.
Queen: A vampire, accompanied by 10 skeletons.
King: An illusory, black-scaled dragon.

Diamonds

Ace: A coin purse, with gold pieces spilling out of it.
Two: The smell of something delicious. No visual
Three: A nice campfire.
Four: A bush filled with full, ripe berries.
Five: A golden sword which sparkles with hinted-at magical power. Vanishes the moment a successful hit is made with it.
Six: A crate of the finest wines and ales.
Seven: A closed chest.
Eight: A small journal detailing the defeat of a dragon, and the location of a hoard which is “too large to move just now.”
Nine: A full spread of delicious food on a table, complete with pleasant smells.
Ten: An open chest with gold and gems spilling out of it.
Jack: A fish, flopping around, who chokes out “I’ll grant a wish to whomever returns me to water!”
Queen: A stunningly attractive human woman. Attempts to seduce any living creature she sees.
King: A stunningly attractive human man. Attempts to seduce any living creature he sees.

Hearts

Ace: A small, bouncing rubber ball.
Two: A songbird.
Three: A large, stationary boulder.
Four: A wall.
Five: A window. Actually works as a window, and can be seen through.
Six: A door.
Seven: A table.
Eight: A tree.
Nine: A simple door.
Ten: A large, ornate double door.
Jack: A roaring fireplace, with a comfortable chair.
Queen: A lovely, comfortable meadow. Complete with freshwater pond.
King: Invisibility for up to 10 people.

Spades

Ace: A dancing ball of light.
Two: A streaking goblin, running naked and whooping.
Three: A sunflower grows to maturity. This appears to happen as naturally as possible. (On a stone floor, it comes through a crack, etc.)
Four: A marching band.
Five: A court jester.
Six: A clothesline.
Seven: A lost child.
Eight: A painter, supplies in tow, who simply MUST paint the first creature it encounters.
Nine: A porter who became separated from his adventuring party.
Ten: It begins to rain frogs.
Jack: A halfling intent on selling insurance of some kind.
Queen: A tall woman, who attempts to take charge of whatever situation she finds herself in. It’s time to get things done!
King: A naked man who proudly, and quite loudly, asks everyone what they think of his lovely new clothes.

Magical Marvels: Hat of 5 Birds

The hat of 5 birds is a curious magical object usually discovered in the form of a blue speckled egg with “Hat of 5 Birds” written in golden letters around it. No instructions on how to use the hat are provided, but some sages may be familiar with the necessary procedure.

If the egg is cracked atop a person’s head, then within the space of a week, five small birds will make their nest amongst the person’s hair. They will fill it with twigs and leaves, turning the person’s head into a tangled mess which will quickly become extremely unhygienic and smelly. Unfortunately, if the nest is removed or significantly tampered with at all, the hat is destroyed and the birds will return to the normal existence of their kind. So anyone desirous of gaining the benefits of the hat must endure the scorn of anyone who finds the smell of bird droppings offensive.

The five birds will follow any mental command they are given by the hat’s wearer. They can retrieve small objects, scout new areas, serve as spotters or guards, or perform any other task the player can think up. Note, however, that the birds are still birds. They gain no special intelligence, and cannot communicate complex ideas. They can mentally share information with the hat’s wearer, but they can do this only when perched within the nest. So they cannot, for example, be left in one room as a guard, and telepathically warn their master when danger is approaching. They must first make their way back to their master’s head, possibly being attacked, or blocked by closed doors.

Note also that the birds still need rest and food. This does not need to be tracked exhaustively, but if 2 birds are told to keep watch all night, then only 3 birds ought to be available for tasks during the day.

If the player chooses to command the birds to attack, the birds will most likely be ineffectual. They are, after all, very small birds. They will only hit on an attack roll of 20, and will only ever deal 1 damage. On the other hand, if the player commands the birds to defend her, they will do so valiantly. Each bird can absorb 1 attack directed at any player they are commanded to defend. Regardless of the attack’s effectiveness, the bird will be killed. The birds cannot defend against attacks unless they are commanded to defend a character before an attack roll is made.

If any of the birds are ever killed, a new bird will come to nest after 1 month’s time.

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Magical Marvels 13: Snowstorm Blade

When found, this weapon appears to be nothing more than a very elaborate hilt. It has a silver cross guard in the shape of a lightning bolt, a grip wrapped in blue-dyed leather, and a pommel circled with brilliant blue sapphires. One might at first suspect that the blade has simply broken off, but any cursory examination of where the blade ought to be will reveal no trace that a blade was ever there.

If the sword is held aloft, a bolt of lightning will arc from the sky towards the hilt. If the bolt reaches the hilt, a 3ft long blade of jagged ice will slowly begin to form over the course of 1 minute. However, if there is anything in between the hilt and the sky (such as a roof, or a monster) then the lightning will strike that instead, dealing damage as normal. (6d6 damage, save v. breath for half). Lightning cannot be called for while the blade exists, nor can it be called for more than once per minute.

Note that while underground, holding the hilt aloft will cause a lightning bolt to strike the surface directly above you, potentially causing harm the player will not be aware of immediately.

Once the ice blade has formed completely, it functions as a longsword. Upon a successful hit, however, the ice blade shatters into a cloud of snow. Creatures with 5HD or or lower are frozen completely solid, and could easily be kicked into tiny pieces. Creatures of 6HD or greater take 6d6 frost damage, and are frozen to the ground until they can make a successful strength check to dislodge themselves. In particularly hot environments, a cumulative +2 each round would be appropriate.

Magical Marvels 12: Silvertongue Ink

When discovered, this item appears to be a moderately ornate inkwell, filled with a silvery liquid. The inkwell itself appears only slightly valuable, and the liquid inside can easily be mistaken for quicksilver. Altogether, a merchant would pay perhaps 50 gold pieces for it.

If the silvery liquid is used as ink (any quill will do) whatever is written with it takes on magical properties which affect whoever reads them.

A statement of fact, however ridiculous it may be, will be believed. A command, even a command to kill oneself, will be followed. And a question, no matter how personal, will be answered. A successful saving throw against magic can be made to negate this effect. However, unlike many similar effects, a successful save will not alert the subject to the fact that someone has attempted to affect their mind, unless they are a magic user of 10th level or higher.

It should be noted that addressing a note with something to the effect of “To the King of Gorpagop” will cause whoever reads it to immediately stop reading it, and make every effort to deliver the note to the king of Gorpagop.

When found, the inkwell contains enough ink for 100 words.